So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
