Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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