My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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