lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
