Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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