I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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