he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
