Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
