Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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