I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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