I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
