I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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