The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
