Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
