Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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