today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
