he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
