Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
