Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
