Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
