i need an iv and a liver transplant
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Randomize
