Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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