im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
