he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
