the condom got lost in my hair
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
