have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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