What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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