She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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