I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
