I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
