Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
