i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
