She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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