I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
