The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
