u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
