The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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