drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
