Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
