when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
