she looked like the bat from fern gully.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
