It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
