You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
