I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
