3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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