That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
