I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
