You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
