Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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