woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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