Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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