I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
