Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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