Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
